After a few great dates with your new guy, your feelings for him are growing, and you feel hopeful that you could have something substantial with him. You are left feeling disappointed, confused and frustrated, replaying every date and conversation in your mind as you attempt to figure out what might have gone wrong.
The lack of closure and communication on his part leaves you feeling clueless and upset (understandably).
She knew deep down that it was going too fast, but it felt good to have someone so smitten with her and so she let herself get swept away, caught in the whirlwind of his plans and promises. And it’s wrong and hurtful.” Adds Gail Saltz, an associate professor of psychiatry at The New York Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornel School of Medicine and the author of “Becoming Real: Defeating the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back”: “We’re breeding a dating population where there isn’t an internal taboo over someone just disappearing.
It’s called “ghosting”: when you’re in a relationship with a guy and then—pfft! In general, part of the blame may lie in how we communicate and even how we meet people these days.
“Couples in healthy, long-term relationships should be able to have difficult conversations and handle confrontations.
If you’re doing or saying anything that bothers him, a real man would tell you that and not just disappear.” Adds Saltz: “It’s the less mature person who has said to themselves from a moral compass standpoint, ‘It’s more important to do what makes me comfortable [disappearing] than to do what is right.’ They’re a mental baby.” Rebuild your self-confidence.
Rebecca* met who she thought was a dream guy at a bar: Gorgeous, incredibly sexy, loved museums and great wine, and made her feel like the only woman in the room. —he completely disappears without warning or closure, leaving you holding the (emotional) bag. “When you live in a world where most communication is done over text or Facebook, it’s very easy to hide behind that and the more you can give yourself an excuse to be a coward,” says Rachel Sussman, psychotherapist, relationship expert and author of “The Breakup Bible.” “It’s taking the path of least resistance.
He told Rebecca he loved her after only dating for a month and started talking about their future together. If you didn’t have photos and texts from him to prove it, you’d think you had hallucinated the entire relationship. When a person wants to break up with someone, they’re so used to communicating in an impersonal way to begin with, it’s not a stretch that they can decide to not answer your text—to disappear.
“It could be they’re still hung up on an old girlfriend, or once the honeymoon is over, they move onto a another person because they can’t handle the real life stuff,” she says.Without communication from him, it can be difficult to assess what happened.A few likely reasons for why he disappeared include: He might just not be into you, feel you lack the chemistry he is looking for or believe you are not compatible in the long run.Without some level of personal or social accountability, the guy can disappear without getting any grief for it.But the truth is, it’s really the fault of the phantom, and there are certain personality types that are more inclined to ghost, such as narcissists and commitment-phobes—particularly ones who like the “reeling in” process. However tempted you may be to reach out and find out what the heck happened or just to give him an earful, if you’ve already called or texted once (OK, twice) without a response—stop.